Dirty 31: My Fantasy? P-Poppin in a Waterfall

You probably forgot about Ludacris, and it's a shame.

Flashcard from The Def Jam South's Children's Guide to Hip-Hop

With his Clown Prince of the Dirty South persona and massive pop hits, Ludacris took over Busta Rhymes' role as funny rapper with crazy videos and distinctive delivery to become a star.

He also had some filthy songs.

"What's Your Fantasy? (ft Shawna)"

Shawna asks Ludacris what his fantasy is, he talks about different ways of doing sex, then asks her what her fantasy is, and guess what she likes all the same things as him. Classic song.

"P-Poppin"

Delmon Young's walk-up music.

"Splash Waterfalls"


At 11 seconds into the song Ludacris commands the woman to "say it." She says "Make love to me." Instantly. At 19 seconds he says it again, but this time she says "Fuck me." Then the songs goes on like that for 4 and-a-half more minutes! Chris, you sealed that deal a long time ago, quit showing off.

Hats off to you Luda!

Crazy MMA .Gif of the Week: Struve v Barry

Last Saturday on Versus the UFC matched up two of the most entertaining, all-or-nothing fighters in the world. The 6' 11" Stefan Struve and the 5' 11" Pat Barry.

Struve is known for being the tallest fighter in the UFC and heroically refusing to use it to his advantage. He takes an unbelievable amount of punishment in a sport where a few inches of reach or a few extra pounds can mean a serious advantage. He usually ends up bloody and is either building-crublingly knocked out, or almost gets knocked out, but manages to comes back in spectacular fashion.

Pat Barry started out as a kickboxer in the US and Japan, and though he's been an MMA fighter for years now, is as good at wrestling and ground fighting as, say... a dead person. His last fight was one of the most miraculous comebacks in UFC history, though he was on the wrong end. He had Chieck Kongo, another larger opponent, wobbling around after two nasty punches, only to be knocked out on a Hail Mary uppercut.

Saturday night's fight ended as spectacularly anyone could have hoped:

Struve (bottom) uses his far superior grappling skills to maneuver into a triangle choke, using his extra long legs to cut off the blood flow to Barry's head. Barry, like a true badass, lifts the near-seven footer into a goddamn powerbomb and slams him down like Vader breaking a jobber's back. Struve manages to soften the impact with his arm and lock the submission hold in even further to get the win.

Hats off to Barry and Struve! You are two nice men almost die for our entertainment!

Introducing the Dirty 31

For as long as man has brought in the harvest every autumn, October has been known as the prime month for rocking. Early humans met at fall feasts and beat primitive tools against boulder and stick alike to create a brutal din. Centuries later guitarists turned up the drive knob on their tube amps to continue the tradition.

This year we go against it. We present to you the Dirty 31, our 31 favorite filthy hip-hop songs.

Leading off is Lady with her two massive hits (to us, at least) "Yankin" and "Twerk."





Lady gets everything right here. We love dirty songs because they don't conform to what's expected of a song in polite society. There have long been songs that artfully imply or hide overt sexual themes, but we really appreciate it when the artist is as blunt, subtext-free, and ridiculous as possible, and Lady is exactly that.

Musically, "Yankin" and "Twerk" sound like generic Southern Neptunes-style club-banging grind music. And that's perfect. We love that. We imagine Lady went into Big Gates Records and said "Listen, I have exactly two ideas for songs, give me some grind music and we can get them done in an hour. First song: I'm really good at sex, and I'm even better at it when I'm dunk. Done. Second song: I'm really good at dancing, and I'm even better at it when I'm drunk. Done. I'll flesh them out with swears and dirty talk. See you tomorrow for the video shoot."

Oh, the videos. Listening to the songs alone, you come away with the idea that Lady is a very confident, sexual woman who you should probably be intimidated by. The following is a list of reasons the videos completely undermine that and make everything more enjoyable:

-Lady looks stiff and unconvincing (and maybe not as good at sex as she says she is)
-Lady isn't good at dancing, and never gets even close to twerking (she should check the home-made twerking videos right next to hers on youtube)
-Her stripper friends are bored and not good at dancing
-The men are wearing socks
-The men are serving Cheetos and 4 Loko

We love you Lady. Hats off to you for helping us kick this off!

Crazy Japanese Wrestling Move of the Week: Top Rope DDT

The DDT is a simple move. You put your opponent in a front headlock, then fall backward, driving the top of their head into the floor.

Invented by Jake the Snake (allegedly by accident), it's a legitimately devastating move that has broken necks in pro wrestling and given many little brothers their first concussions.

So what happens when you turn a 3' drop into a 7' drop? Jushin "Thunder" Liger sure wanted to know, and poor Owen Hart had to find out:



Hats off to Jushin, and a somber, respectful tip of the hat to Martha Hart (RIP Owen).

Our Amazing Podcast Intro Song

We decided to upload our podcast intro song so everyone can enjoy it at their own pace.
Start getting excited for the new season.

Hats off to us!

The Best of Neil Hamburger v Corporate Twitter Accounts

America's Funnyman, booze enthusiast

Neil Hamburger would make a fantastic heel manager.
Imagine him following the Bobby Heenan formula: he'd bring his wrestlers to the ring, get on the mic and insult the crowd until they're practically jumping the barricade, throw a drink in the face of his enemy to steal a win, barely escape the arena without a beating.
He practically does that already.
In fact, he even looks like another legendary manager:

Paul... Hamburger?

In the spirit of antagonism, here are our favorite brutal Hamburger takedowns of corporate Twitter accounts:

Hats off to you, Neil. Hope to see you spitting on Jerry Lawler soon!

Deeusch, deujsche, or daaaiiiiiysche, It doesn't matter how it's spelled as long as it follows a huge DEEEEESCH!

With the recent anniversary of 9/11 I'm sure we all found ourselves at one time or another pondering what we truly believe America stands for. In my eyes there is nothing more American than bone-rattling hits, one-second knockouts and old men taking huge bumps on PPV. With that, we here at Hats Off to Us present our "Deeusch's of the Week".

Found a gray hair in my soul patch today....and I think it formed after watching the Mortal Kombat Fatality-style hit this kid takes.
Is that good ol' JR in the crowd at the end? "Oh my gawd!"

"Here's the game plan kid. You run at a dead sprint, then when you see him preparing to throw that one devastating blow he is aiming towards your chin, you jump into the air and the rest will fall into place, ensuring victory."

These two were a combined 106 years old for this "Street Fight" at Wrestlemania XIX....the only thing missing is a 'Vince Strut' as he climbs up the ladder.

And finally, poor Jeremy Bullock has no idea what kind of embarrassment is in store for him here. Highlights include the intro "what I have to do to win is just keep my butt in a bind right there"...the initial hurdle over his opponent and ensuing life-altering Rock-Bottom he absorbs. Enjoy.

Hats off to us and hats off to you Jeremy Bullock!

What Is This, a New Post?

It's been a while.
A long summer of looking deeply into the mirror, agonizing over whether we have the guts to go on is over.
We're back.
The podcast is returning in a few weeks with listenable audio and BIG TIME guests. From ESPN's "Sports Guy" Bill Simmons to 30 Rock's "Glasses Girl" Tina Fey. We'll have chats with everyone between those two cultural end points as well as discussions on what passes for local professional sports, movies and books.
Believe it.
Until then, we'll continue posting odds and ends here and on twitter ( http://twitter.com/#!/hatsofftous ).
To kick things off right, here's a little update on what's going on in non-WWE pro wrestling:



Hats off to us, and hats off to Sting (age 52) and Hulk Hogan (age 58) for this embarrassing-in-every-way story line!

What's Scaring Us Today: A Very Dedicated Tweeter

You may remember Bree Olson from as one of Charlie Sheen's famous "Goddesses," but before that she was (and continues to be) a successful porn actress and possibly the filthiest person on Twitter.
Exhibit A:

And here's an impressive run she went on over 2 days:

Last night she said someone has been messaging her with some strange tweets:

So naturally we had to check it out. Wow. Here's a sample of the 74 tweets this person has made in the two-plus weeks the account has been active (these are all from March 19th):

All the tweets are like this. Constant encouragement to procreate with Charlie Sheen because the world needs his DNA to spread. You can read the rest here if you feel like being thorough, but trust us, whoever runs this account stays impressively on-message.

So who could this person be? It's tempting to think it's a troll making fun of Sheen and the whole situation, but even the most dedicated troll eventually loses interest after a story is out of the news (except Neil Hamburger, of course). This is probably the work of a DeNiro-in-The Fan-type obsessive, but since we're optimists we like to think they're a normal, happy person who just happens to have an unshakable belief that the future of the human race teeters on the brink of destruction unless these two can create the next Savior.

Or maybe it's just Michele Bachmann. We could see that:

Hats off to Michele Bachmann!

What's Scaring Us Today: The Writhing Friction of Hell on Earth

It rises.

What's Scaring Us Today: Cigarette Ted Bundy

 

This was in the newest ESPN magazine. While Newport has a long history of laughably corny ads, this may be the first that can be taken as a threat.

At least the last human face she'll ever see is good looking. If it happens to us we just know it'll be some guy who looks like this:

(Sorry Razor)

Hats off to Newport! Pleasure!

Why We are THE BEST

Dear faithful followers:


Brenden
It's been a long winter full of snow and cold mixed with some atrocious results from all of our favorite sports teams. Much like the sudden and terrifying appearance of a winter's worth of your dog's feces in the backyard, HatsOffToUs has returned with a vengeance as the snow melts and the calendar flips to spring.

To ease you out of this stressful situation this championship-aspiring tag team would like to point you to the early results of some of our NCAA Brackets.

Huge NCAA Pool We are Kicking Ass In
Brenden (Tied for 5th) and Frank (Tied for 20th). That's pretty good, but how about this one:

Deeeeeusch!
Tubby's Time! (That's me!) tied for 1st.

How great is this though, really? It's put us in a good mood the last few days and hopefully it will do the same for you.

Frank
While some of the more superstitious readers will feel we are tempting the Bracket Gods by trumpeting our success in a half-finished tournament, allow me to counter with some numbers:

There are 991 brackets in the pool and of those Brenden and I are in the top 5 of possible points left. That means we have the most room for error and, in my mind, means we are 100% going to come in 1st and 2nd. I defy anyone to refute this statistical certainty.

What will we do with the millions of dollars in winnings, you ask?
Probably use it to put up an LED billboard behind Target Field that constantly runs tribute videos for Minnesota's own Rick Rude:



Hats off to us!