What's Scaring Us Today: A Very Dedicated Tweeter

You may remember Bree Olson from as one of Charlie Sheen's famous "Goddesses," but before that she was (and continues to be) a successful porn actress and possibly the filthiest person on Twitter.
Exhibit A:

And here's an impressive run she went on over 2 days:

Last night she said someone has been messaging her with some strange tweets:

So naturally we had to check it out. Wow. Here's a sample of the 74 tweets this person has made in the two-plus weeks the account has been active (these are all from March 19th):

All the tweets are like this. Constant encouragement to procreate with Charlie Sheen because the world needs his DNA to spread. You can read the rest here if you feel like being thorough, but trust us, whoever runs this account stays impressively on-message.

So who could this person be? It's tempting to think it's a troll making fun of Sheen and the whole situation, but even the most dedicated troll eventually loses interest after a story is out of the news (except Neil Hamburger, of course). This is probably the work of a DeNiro-in-The Fan-type obsessive, but since we're optimists we like to think they're a normal, happy person who just happens to have an unshakable belief that the future of the human race teeters on the brink of destruction unless these two can create the next Savior.

Or maybe it's just Michele Bachmann. We could see that:

Hats off to Michele Bachmann!

What's Scaring Us Today: The Writhing Friction of Hell on Earth

It rises.

What's Scaring Us Today: Cigarette Ted Bundy

 

This was in the newest ESPN magazine. While Newport has a long history of laughably corny ads, this may be the first that can be taken as a threat.

At least the last human face she'll ever see is good looking. If it happens to us we just know it'll be some guy who looks like this:

(Sorry Razor)

Hats off to Newport! Pleasure!

Why We are THE BEST

Dear faithful followers:


Brenden
It's been a long winter full of snow and cold mixed with some atrocious results from all of our favorite sports teams. Much like the sudden and terrifying appearance of a winter's worth of your dog's feces in the backyard, HatsOffToUs has returned with a vengeance as the snow melts and the calendar flips to spring.

To ease you out of this stressful situation this championship-aspiring tag team would like to point you to the early results of some of our NCAA Brackets.

Huge NCAA Pool We are Kicking Ass In
Brenden (Tied for 5th) and Frank (Tied for 20th). That's pretty good, but how about this one:

Deeeeeusch!
Tubby's Time! (That's me!) tied for 1st.

How great is this though, really? It's put us in a good mood the last few days and hopefully it will do the same for you.

Frank
While some of the more superstitious readers will feel we are tempting the Bracket Gods by trumpeting our success in a half-finished tournament, allow me to counter with some numbers:

There are 991 brackets in the pool and of those Brenden and I are in the top 5 of possible points left. That means we have the most room for error and, in my mind, means we are 100% going to come in 1st and 2nd. I defy anyone to refute this statistical certainty.

What will we do with the millions of dollars in winnings, you ask?
Probably use it to put up an LED billboard behind Target Field that constantly runs tribute videos for Minnesota's own Rick Rude:



Hats off to us!